Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Five Years and A Few Tears

It's hard to believe that five years of life has passed since you drew your last breath on this earth. So much life happens in five years. There are days when it seems like I was just talking to you on the phone driving to Savannah to make hospital visits. Then there are those days that it feels like you've been gone for a decade. Five stinking years! In that time, the kids have changed in so many different ways. Sometimes I look at Cyd and say, "Dad would have loved watching them grow up." There is no doubt you would be right there to support them in all that they do.

I have lost track of the number of days I have wanted to ask your opinion on something, seek your counsel, ask for you to pray about something specific over the last five years. It's unfair, that at the junction of life where I most wanted you and your influence, I can't get it. If only, I had let go of my own hurt and anger earlier in life, I could have soaked up more of GLB's essence...yet it is this regret that the gospel has most come to bear on our relationship. The gospel needed time to root into my heart so that our relationship could be redeemed, even if for a brief season before that diagnosis in January. God's work in our lives is unique in that it doesn't always happen instantly. Perhaps that's why Jesus used so many stories about people and scenarios that required time and patience to see results. I'm thankful that neither of my father's ever gave up on me, rather like the Prodigal Father, both waited for me to return.

The similarities between us continue to manifest themselves. I have come to the conclusion that I am more like you than I ever thought possible. Sometimes this reality scares me speechless. Other times, I laugh and consider if this self-revelation the last five years would have happened if you were still here. I'm still in utter shock that the characteristics, mindsets, and patterns of behavior of a parent can be so strong in a child when they only lived together for a few years. The indelible nature of a parent's mark on a child is sobering. My own journey as a parent has reminded me that God is able to use our meager efforts at this whole parenting thing to do some incredible work in children's lives. We tend to forget all the faults of someone when they die and only recall the good times and the good qualities. I remember the love and tenderness you always offered me. I remember your laugh, your smile, and your anger. Mostly, I remember these things because I see them weekly, if not daily in my own heart and life. I think one of the things that God has shown me these past five years is that the faults are places where the master craftsman is still shaping me into his masterpiece. My own self awareness has helped me appreciate your faults, not to cast blame, but to learn from your mistakes, while rejoicing in the work that God accomplished in your life to bring light out of darkness. You taught me many things during the time our lives overlapped...I believe you have taught me even more about myself, about my vocation, about my family, about God, and about the gospel in the five years you have been present with the Lord. Thank you!